Thursday, October 30, 2008


Responsible, Involving responsibility; involving a degree of accountability on the part of the person concerned; I looked back at life and the choices I had made and to whom my responsibilities had lay. No where in the whole frame work of things did I consider myself. The closer you look, the bigger the picture. I found that no matter how I viewed life, it was not singular, one or alone, my decisions were based on many factors of what was best for everyone. I don't remember ever looking at what was best for self. Somehow this muddles the senses, is it truth to the spirit of thinking if we put ourselves last on the list? Selfishness is the devotion to caring for oneself , making priority of ones owns welfare regardless of everyone else. There is a certain amount of pleasure which comes from helping those around us, but it isn't necessarily bad to pleasure self. Where is the balance, who draws the guide lines? I thought again but decisions that are made based on helping those around us and yet holding down one's own spirit. So heavy are the weights which are tied down by the cords of guilt? Guilt holds the moral ties to emotion, leading the heart to weigh all concerned. hmmm
I have been at the crossroads and each path directed in various directions. I felt myself circle around and around, traveling the same path and leading back to the same place. Misguided or led a stray, who decides? Ultimately the decision is up to each individual as long as they are capable of not falling into preset traps. It has been quoted" real happiness doth not consist in riches, it doth not consist in pleasures. " It is the governing of our passions where we display our virtues thus leading us down the path of contentment. In taking all thought and placing it the sequence of events in order, I found it was the lacking of truth to place self last in the filing of emotion. In the feeding of the hunger with love, strength had surfaced, thus is the consumption of all desire.
No, no, no I say and as I stood tall , I felt my soul crumble beneath me. Who lead me down this path and what it is I was to gain? Again like clouds dissipating and a clearing in the sky, I saw the gained knowledge, experience, many forms of wisdom and the needed growth, which was necessary to again stand at the crossroads and come to terms with the question, "which direction shall I take and where shall it lead me? Confidence now stood in the forefront, a missing component which was necessary but lacking in my youth. Courage also made way and yet I still had a problem with distinguishing between the right and wrong of my decisions. I briefly looked away and than back again and I saw a clearing an opening in the path, one which seemed almost impossible now truly had direction. It is the heart which teeters on expectation, the soul is free at all times to respond to the beauty in all of life, "unlock thy spirit and set it free. " Where had this unusual strength come from? I again reviewed all of life,the strength which had been there since the very beginning of the journey, it was divided amongst those who found them self somehow along side me. Timing has much to do with contentment and happiness, lead with the spirit and allow truth to direct your heart and your mind.
In retrospect it was not in loving self less, but in the sharing of self with those around us that both opened and closed doors. One person's steps forward does not mean another person steps back. Each journey has a time table of events waiting to happen, we have to be prepared to embrace it when it does.

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